David

Today had an awkward beginning. After getting the kids off to school, I decided to get online for a minute to see if anything earth shattering was going on. I must have been automatically signed into my messenger, because I am greeted with an IM from my cousin who now lives in South Korea, and I have not seen in about 9 years. We have talked sporadically online or in email, mainly sending pics of our kids to each other. During the conversation, Mike asks me about my brothers and sisters, and how they are doing. The only problem with this is he asks me about my brother who died almost 2 years ago. Like he didn't even know....I thought everyone knew. The grief that struck this family at that time, how could no one NOT know? For once in a very long time, I was speechless, I didn't know what to say. Finally, I told him about David, my beloved brother who will have been gone 2 years next month. David's life was taken from him October 17, 2006. Michael didn't know at all! I had someone not told him, his parents, in all the emails and phone calls, had not told him! I could not believe it! Not only was I caught off guard, but now I was upset with myself for not making sure he knew. How many other estranged members of my family didn't know? This feeling of being responsible comes from being the oldest in my family. Until I moved, and even a few times after I moved, 1500 miles away, my parents and family still look to me to "fix" everything since I am the oldest. The tragedy with David, my hands were tied. I had already moved away and "abandoned" my family 10 months before he died, but now I could not even tell him I love him 1 more time. Since then, I have come to the realization that my moving had nothing to do with David's death. It also has nothing to do with my dad deciding to bury his head in the bottle of the alcoholic choice either. I am also not responsible for my parents getting a divorce after David died. That is all a part of growing up in a co-dependent/alcoholic family. My heart aches every time I think of David and how he must have felt, all alone. I just hope he knows how much I love him.

Wrath of a Teen Daughter

So, who knows how to make a teenager not hate her mother on a Saturday night? What part of "NO" doesn't she understand? See, we still live 20 miles from town until next week. Money is very tight (that should read nonexistent) and she wants to run all over after work tonight so she can stay at a friend's house. All I asked her to do last week was to plan ahead of time and take her stuff with her to town so she would not have to run back and forth. Did she plan this ahead of time? Did she take her stuff with her? NO NO NO!! So, I get to be the "bad" guy again and tell her the answer is no right now because we can't afford for her to waste that much gas. Now she is home from work and it is a Saturday night, and she seems to be pretty upset with me. I know this has been hard on her. Divorce, moving away from all of her friends, even if it is only 20 miles, and being so short on money right now. I hope when she grows up and has a teen daughter that she wil understand what I am going through right now.

I am going to go and cuddle with Izzi right now, because apparently she is the only one that doesn't care if we have any money right now or not.

Moving

Sometimes it is hard to get motivated. Sometimes, I just want to sit and do nothing. Not very often do I have this option though, since I am a single mom and it is only me to do most of the stuff that has to get done. Don't get me wrong, the kids help out as much as they can, but Alyssa works as well as going to school full time and Rylen is 8, so he does what he can. I want so badly to wake up and have the trailer loaded and all my personal treasures already packed so carefully in boxes and ready to be moved. I just moved 1 month ago and now I am having to move again. Note to self...don't move 20 miles from town again when fuel prices are so high...it costs a fortune to just get to work. We are moving back to town into a beautiful home that we are so lucky to have the opportunity to have. I am so excited, just not excited about moving again. I wish there were a moving fairy, like a tooth fairy.

I guess this is where I close for the day and get back to packing and moving...uugghh. I do have to say though, I have some wonderful friends here because without them, I would be stuck living out here in BFE and paying $500 a month to just get to work and I would also have to move all of this stuff by myself. At least I will be moved soon and can have a social life again, at least the option of one!

Alone

OK, so sometimes all of this alone time sucks! Rylen is with his daddy tonight, Alyssa is working, and I am stuck out here in BFE all by myself with WAY too much extra time on my hands. Don't get me wrong, I like my alone time, I like my privacy, but I am also a social person and love to have the OPTION of having people around. Izzy (my chocolate lab) doesn't offer much conversation this time of night. (she snores and is usually playing quite a melody about this time of day) and there is only so much you can watch on tv when you only get 3 channels. The sewing machine is still packed and since I am moving next week, it doesn't make any sense to unpack it, I can get to my yarn to knit, but all of my books with all the cleve rand cute projects are still packed!

It is all ok though, I have SLINGO on msn games and Alyssa will be home soon to watch a movie and play cards with me. Boy will it be nice to move next week closer to town and have the option of having others around me. I am betting by then, I will be in my "cacoon" phase! lol

Hmmm Life

So, this is my first entry to my first blog.....EVER. I used to write in a journal when I was a teenager, and I loved it. Then came marraige and motherhood and there was no longer anymore time for that. Now 16 years later, thanks to my dear, sweet friend, Kathy, I have discovered the new age journaling.

A little background about myself first though. I am 35, mother of 2 wonderfully, awesome children. Alyssa is 16 and Rylen is 8. I have been blessed with 2 beautiful and wonderfu children. (sometimes I wonder if the nurses switched them at birth lol.) We live in Montana, a beautiful place that we are very lucky to be in. The people here are wonderful and friendly and the scenery is absolutely breathtaking, to say the least. While life here is not always perfect, we have it pretty well. I have found that even though I don't have any family here, that when the going gets tough, those closest to you pull together and make good things happen, VERY QUICKLY, as though they were your family. I am currently going through a divorce and now a single parent, working full time, as well as "just trying to get through all of this". Even when I think I was at my lowest of lows last week, I felt like I had noone to turn to and noone to confide in, because I am all alone with the kids now, but I quickly found out how good of friends I have and how things weren't as bad as I thought they were.

Today is a good day, I am recooperating from a sprained ankle from last weekend, and adjusting to seeing my soon to be ex around town and realizing it really is over between us. As hard as it is, it seems to get a little easier each day. I am hoping we can continue to be civil and possibly stay friends, if for nothing else, than to be able to co parent.

Alot of changes happen when you go from being a "couple" to being single. There is noone else to take out the trash, noone else to blame leaving dirty socks on the floor, or putting the almost empty milk carton back into the refrigerator. On the flip side, there is also noone to tell you that you have to put the dishes in the dishwasher right after dinner, noone to give you a dirty look if you decide to stay up until 4am sewing a quilt. I am adjusting, it just gets lonely sometimes. I am also finding lots of time to "find myself" again. I lost her somewhere, possibly still back in Kansas, but I am slowly finding her and making changes to her as needed.

Well, I think I have rambled on for enough tonight. I have to go get packing and get ready for our move next week. (The kids and I are moving into a house in town next week WOOHOO)