Life is rarely linear

Well, it has been over a year since I posted.....alot has been going on and I think it is time for me to get back in the groove of things and begin posting more. I truly blelieve it really helps put things into perspective at times.

Let's see, where to start. The kids and I have been back in Kansas for a little more than a year now. I have been working as a paramedic both in the emergency room at a local hospital as well as the local EMS. I love what I do, although I don't love the extended periods away from the kids. I have taken on a large challenge this past year and in a mere 56 days, it will be complete! I have been in nursing school and will graduate in May! I am SO SO excited, while this, in addition to my jobs and the kids has been time consuming, not to mention stressful, it will be worth it in the end. Telling myself this daily has been what has gotten me through this. None of this has been without sacrifices though....from all 3 of us. A whole new world and journey is about to commence!

A recap of other events in the past year.....I lost my grandmother in September from Alzheimers, God rest her soul she is not suffering anymore. I also lost a grandfather in October to cancer that was suddenly diagnosed and gave him minimal days before the end. Grandpa Val will be missed but he will be at peace being with the love of his life, Grandma Dolli. I have been reunited with lots of friends from when we lived here before and it has been great, have made several new friends, enjoy spending time with some of my family (even though it is very limited right now with my schedule) but all the while, missing my close friends back in Montana. One thing I have learned about myself is as I age, I must become more laid back and kinda go with the flow because not as much bothers me and I have found I am dealing with stressors in my life easier.

I have also had to learn that sometimes, whether we want them to or not, our children grow up, they become their own person, and we have to let go and hope with all our might that everything we have taught them in their formative years will be enough to sustain them. Alyssa, my oldest and only daughter, moved out in December. While she is not quite 18, the sacrifices made by all of us took their toll on her, as well as the budding of her "not quite a kid, not quite an adult" phase in her life took over. I also believe this is another case proving how beneficial it can be for a teenage girl to have her father in her life. She is living with her dad, only about 20 minutes from me. While this was like a large blow and hard to swallow, over the past few weeks, it has brought us closer together and taken our relationship to a different level. I am SO proud of how she has blossomed and into the young lady she is.

Rylen is almost as tall as I am (although that doesn't take much!) He is growing into a nice, confident young man. He enjoyed playing football for the first year this past fall and I look forward to watching games through the years with him. He is definitely developing his own opinions and thoughts about life and the way it "should be" but nonetheless, it is never boring here.

I have met someone, someone who I hold dear to my heart, and am looking forward to spending more time with him and his kids. He is a man among men who I thought were non-existent anymore. He is a man who is stronger than I ever thought were possible and takes life as it comes, rolls with the punches, and keeps trudging laong with a smile on his face. I am anxious to see what the future holds for us.

I am most definitely going to be blogging more in the coming weeks, I have missed it.

The most important thing I have learned int he past year is - Life is rarely linear, there will always be zigzags on the way to your goals!

A U-turn in Life

So, it has been a LONG time since I have posted. Life has taken many turns, twists, and u-turns so to speak. I do not think there is anyway to completely "catch" anyone up so to speak, although I can summarize and start from now.

The kids and I have moved back "home" to Kansas. We came home 2 weeks ago, I am working on the ambulance again....which I have missed TERRIBLY! The kids are in school and adjusting well. I have reunited with some dear, close friends that I have missed, but at the same time, I have dearly missed some friends I have made in Montana, and will continue to miss them. Life is full of decisions and those decisions aren't always easy to make, and aren't always "clear" in their presentation. We are starting to get back into the groove of things here, lots to get used to again....traffic, traffic, and more traffic......smog, a "faster" pace of life, flat lands with flat landscapes, train sounds in the middle of the night, the air force doing training with their jets........etc.

Life is changing.....this time even though some of it hurts, it is for the better.

School Cooties

Sickness has hit! The kids have gotten the dreaded "school cooties" and now I have one home sick in bed with a fever! I love school time, the kids having a more regular schedule, being in an environment of learning, and being able to have some "me" time while they are there makes me appreciate them all the more when they come home.....but I hate the school cooties! I hate it when there is nothing you can do to make them better or a "magic" pill to give them to hurry the healing. I also hate that when this happens on my scheduled working days,I have to make a heart wrenching decision....go to work anyway and have someone stay with them or stay home and miss work. I would much rather be home with them, but I am also the only working adult in my household...wait I am the only adult period....sometimes it sucks having to be the mom and the dad, the cook and the car repairman, the lawn person and the laundry person, and the good guy and bad, all at the same time!

So, luckily Rylen came home sick today with 101 fever on my day off so I can hopefully nurse him back to health before I have to go back to work on Sunday.Chicken noodle soup and 7 up, here I come!

Roller Coaster Ride

So, it has been awhile since I have written. Things have REALLY been a roller coaster ride lately. The kids and I got moved back to town. It is so much nicer being 2 miles from work rather than 22 miles! Rylen has been very insecure and kinda "needy" lately, which I think is due to the divorce and moving. I am hoping we can get that worked out soon though. Alyssa has been a wonderful help, but then again she has been throwing me her teen attitude at times. I know she is growing up, but I truly think we have a tough time with our teens because when they turn 18 we won't feel as bad about them moving out on their own! I am joking, well kinda.

I have been working on "finding myself" and I am not sure, some days I don't like what I am finding! Some days I am a moody, emotional wreck. Some days I am the strong, backboned, independent woman I have always tried to be. I like that person, although there are times I want someone to tell me it will all be alright and I won't have to go through it by myself and they will be there with me. I am just not sure I want the baggage that comes with it.

I have decided one thing....I refuse to go through another divorce in this lifetime. I will not, I repeat, will NOT get married again unless I am positive it is THE person, because I will not go through this again.

I do think things are getting better though, because I don't find myself wondering what if and I don't get near as upset about seeing him in town or hearing from mutual friends what he is doing now r if he was seen with someone in town. I was always good at fakin it not bothering me, but I am realizing it isn't hurting my heart and causing me to want to throw up when I hear it. That has to be progress!

So, this has even been a roller coaster of a blog tonight. But I feel better now. I think this is the best therapy I could ever pay for (and it is free!)

David

Today had an awkward beginning. After getting the kids off to school, I decided to get online for a minute to see if anything earth shattering was going on. I must have been automatically signed into my messenger, because I am greeted with an IM from my cousin who now lives in South Korea, and I have not seen in about 9 years. We have talked sporadically online or in email, mainly sending pics of our kids to each other. During the conversation, Mike asks me about my brothers and sisters, and how they are doing. The only problem with this is he asks me about my brother who died almost 2 years ago. Like he didn't even know....I thought everyone knew. The grief that struck this family at that time, how could no one NOT know? For once in a very long time, I was speechless, I didn't know what to say. Finally, I told him about David, my beloved brother who will have been gone 2 years next month. David's life was taken from him October 17, 2006. Michael didn't know at all! I had someone not told him, his parents, in all the emails and phone calls, had not told him! I could not believe it! Not only was I caught off guard, but now I was upset with myself for not making sure he knew. How many other estranged members of my family didn't know? This feeling of being responsible comes from being the oldest in my family. Until I moved, and even a few times after I moved, 1500 miles away, my parents and family still look to me to "fix" everything since I am the oldest. The tragedy with David, my hands were tied. I had already moved away and "abandoned" my family 10 months before he died, but now I could not even tell him I love him 1 more time. Since then, I have come to the realization that my moving had nothing to do with David's death. It also has nothing to do with my dad deciding to bury his head in the bottle of the alcoholic choice either. I am also not responsible for my parents getting a divorce after David died. That is all a part of growing up in a co-dependent/alcoholic family. My heart aches every time I think of David and how he must have felt, all alone. I just hope he knows how much I love him.

Wrath of a Teen Daughter

So, who knows how to make a teenager not hate her mother on a Saturday night? What part of "NO" doesn't she understand? See, we still live 20 miles from town until next week. Money is very tight (that should read nonexistent) and she wants to run all over after work tonight so she can stay at a friend's house. All I asked her to do last week was to plan ahead of time and take her stuff with her to town so she would not have to run back and forth. Did she plan this ahead of time? Did she take her stuff with her? NO NO NO!! So, I get to be the "bad" guy again and tell her the answer is no right now because we can't afford for her to waste that much gas. Now she is home from work and it is a Saturday night, and she seems to be pretty upset with me. I know this has been hard on her. Divorce, moving away from all of her friends, even if it is only 20 miles, and being so short on money right now. I hope when she grows up and has a teen daughter that she wil understand what I am going through right now.

I am going to go and cuddle with Izzi right now, because apparently she is the only one that doesn't care if we have any money right now or not.

Moving

Sometimes it is hard to get motivated. Sometimes, I just want to sit and do nothing. Not very often do I have this option though, since I am a single mom and it is only me to do most of the stuff that has to get done. Don't get me wrong, the kids help out as much as they can, but Alyssa works as well as going to school full time and Rylen is 8, so he does what he can. I want so badly to wake up and have the trailer loaded and all my personal treasures already packed so carefully in boxes and ready to be moved. I just moved 1 month ago and now I am having to move again. Note to self...don't move 20 miles from town again when fuel prices are so high...it costs a fortune to just get to work. We are moving back to town into a beautiful home that we are so lucky to have the opportunity to have. I am so excited, just not excited about moving again. I wish there were a moving fairy, like a tooth fairy.

I guess this is where I close for the day and get back to packing and moving...uugghh. I do have to say though, I have some wonderful friends here because without them, I would be stuck living out here in BFE and paying $500 a month to just get to work and I would also have to move all of this stuff by myself. At least I will be moved soon and can have a social life again, at least the option of one!