David

Today had an awkward beginning. After getting the kids off to school, I decided to get online for a minute to see if anything earth shattering was going on. I must have been automatically signed into my messenger, because I am greeted with an IM from my cousin who now lives in South Korea, and I have not seen in about 9 years. We have talked sporadically online or in email, mainly sending pics of our kids to each other. During the conversation, Mike asks me about my brothers and sisters, and how they are doing. The only problem with this is he asks me about my brother who died almost 2 years ago. Like he didn't even know....I thought everyone knew. The grief that struck this family at that time, how could no one NOT know? For once in a very long time, I was speechless, I didn't know what to say. Finally, I told him about David, my beloved brother who will have been gone 2 years next month. David's life was taken from him October 17, 2006. Michael didn't know at all! I had someone not told him, his parents, in all the emails and phone calls, had not told him! I could not believe it! Not only was I caught off guard, but now I was upset with myself for not making sure he knew. How many other estranged members of my family didn't know? This feeling of being responsible comes from being the oldest in my family. Until I moved, and even a few times after I moved, 1500 miles away, my parents and family still look to me to "fix" everything since I am the oldest. The tragedy with David, my hands were tied. I had already moved away and "abandoned" my family 10 months before he died, but now I could not even tell him I love him 1 more time. Since then, I have come to the realization that my moving had nothing to do with David's death. It also has nothing to do with my dad deciding to bury his head in the bottle of the alcoholic choice either. I am also not responsible for my parents getting a divorce after David died. That is all a part of growing up in a co-dependent/alcoholic family. My heart aches every time I think of David and how he must have felt, all alone. I just hope he knows how much I love him.